Whole Heart
by i love alex
Summary: Elena has chosen to be with Damon and Stefan is planning to leave Mystic Falls.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I got the prompt for this fic about a month or two ago (from Benedicte! vicar-of-rometumblr) but I kept putting it off and wrote other fics instead of it because of how emotionally draining it was to write. But, it's just been sitting on my desktop all this time, pleading to be finished.

Elena has chosen to be with Damon and Stefan is planning to leave Mystic Falls.

For the lovely Benedicte:

* * *

_Oh tell me now where was my fault?_

_In loving you with my whole heart._

He's sitting on the floor with his back against his bed when she makes it up to his room. Maybe waiting for her, she thinks as she hovers by his doorway, maybe hoping she wouldn't even come.

"Hi." She whispers.

He looks like he hasn't sleep in days, like he hasn't moved from where he's sitting for a week. Devastated, really. He just looks devastated. It makes something inside her, everything, hurt; she was the one who had put that there.

"Hi." She repeats and steps further into the room. He swings his head up and his eyes are dark slits, like he's struggling to look at her. To not.

"I just…I'm just here because…"

"Don't." He cuts her off and tightens his face visibly, his jaw locking.

Don't what, she wants to ask. Hurt you. Leave you for your brother. Stop loving you.

"I didn't want this." Is all she finds herself saying and can't bear to look at him but it feels as though she needs to preserve it, for some reason. Store it inside of her memory just so she wouldn't let herself forget how much she had hurt him. Was hurting him.

He laughs only once, almost spitting it out and he rolls his eyes around, looking back at her. They're filled with tears, his chin quivering. She can tell he's trying hard not to fall apart in front of her; she wonders if it would be cruel of her to fall first.

"Of course you didn't."

She frowns, close enough to him now, to make out the dark lines on his face, beneath his eyes.

"Stefan-" She starts but then he's suddenly reaching out his hand, his fingers finding the bump of her ankle and nothing else but pure instinct gets her to shut her eyes and move closer towards him.

"Just…don't say anything."

She wonders if it's possible to speak out the way your heart just breaks. The way it pushes so heavy and hard against your chest, you think it might be easier if you pulled it right out yourself.

"You know I loved you. With everything I had, I loved you. I will always love you."

He begins to weep against her leg, silently and she claws at his head with her hands, her legs trembling, "I do, I do." She breaks.

She sinks down to the floor and folds herself around him, buries her face into his neck. Breathing his scent in while knowing how much it would hurt later, the way she would wash it all off.

"It's not enough, it's not enough without you." He breathes.

She only squeezes him tighter.

"Then don't leave. If it's not without me, stay. Please Stefan." She knows what's she asking, understands the selfishness of it but doesn't care. The desperation was sinking in. Taking over rational thought. Control.

And she clings to him, sitting on his bedroom floor, crying too, "Please. _Please_." She repeats.

Time passes, she doesn't know how long but there isn't light breaking through the crack of his curtains when she eventually lifts her head from where it's been smothered against him; his room was dark, silent. She hates that this is going to be the way she's going to leave it, remember it. They had laughed in this room, loved.

"It'd just be for a few months… I need to be alone for a little while, Elena."

His voice startles her even though they were still wound around one other and she detaches her arms away from his body like she's snapping off twigs from a tree, the cracks they make as they leave, silent. _I need to be_, she hears though he won't say, _away from you._

She nods when she's sitting just barely far enough from him, with her feet crossed and looks to the floor.

"I'm…I'm going to miss you." She whispers and wipes at her cheeks, letting her hair fall like a shield around her face.

But his hands are suddenly stinging at the sides, lifting up her chin and he kisses her forehead, "You're grieving this too," He breathes and lets his face rest there as she dropped her hands.

"I'm just so sorry." She cries, shaking her head, "I'm so sorry for doing this to you."

He kisses against her hair again and again, doesn't stop until she's sobbing, heaving from her chest, "I'm so sorry."

"We loved each other," He starts, "We do love each other in a way that nobody else will ever understand and just because this is happening or because I won't be here with you, doesn't mean that will change or it could happen again, Elena. I'll carry you with me…everywhere, everywhere I go."

She's silent for a long moment but eventually lifts her head from where it's been ducked to the floor. Her eyes are bloodshot, her face a mess and he knows that it might take her longer to recover from this than he realized.

"Promise me you'll come back." She whispers, staring at him.

He nods and closes his eyes, sensing suddenly what was to happen next; what was inevitable to happen next, "For you." He breathes, hearing how she moved her legs around to stand, pulled back her hair from her face. She takes a couple steps back and he's finding it hard not to push himself forward and lie across the floor.

"Stefan…look at me," She says, her voice so soft and clear and he finds himself lifting his head before he's ready to, staring up at her, memorizing things he already knows off by heart.

"Don't make me watch." He manages as she steps back towards him, leaning down beside his head.

"No," She whispers, kissing his cheek, her nose brushing along the skin, moving for his lips, "I'm making you keep your promise."

It's what hurts the most he thinks, when he's still sitting there on the floor; too scared to move, hours later. How she had kissed him, how she had whispered, _I love you_.

How she had left.

* * *

A/N: Gah, okay…go watch 2x14 or something. Seriously, go.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: A follow up to Whole Heart. The song, Like Rock & Roll and The Radio is completely and utterly this fic in music form so I urge, plead and encourage you to listen to it if not while reading then before or after.

* * *

Caroline finds him first.

He's staying in a motel in California with crummy lighting and a mini bar that's only stocked with cans of beer but it was close to the highway and to the beach; exists, basically. It's been two and half months exactly and he hasn't talked to or heard from anyone. He's not quite sure yet how he feels about that.

The phone beside his bed is ringing when he's stepping through the door, close to five in the morning after he's been hunting. All animal. He'd thought about switching back but it was ironically too much effort _not_ to stick to his diet.

He figures it's the receptionist downstairs who had not so subtly made eyes at him and slid in her phone number with his key card when he had checked in. She was cute, a little too old for him but kind in her demeanor.

He drags his body over to the side table, sitting on top of a mattress that was like wood beneath him. She was probably just as lonely as him, wanting a bit of company. He's not about to get into bed with her but he'd talk to her at least.

"Hello?" He says lowly; all he really wants is to take a shower, go back to bed.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

He almost drops the phone. Whatever energy he has left in his body, seeps to his feet and pools against the floor.

"_Caroline_?" He breaks out, clutching his heart around the name. It was dizzying, her voice so familiar and it's hard to focus for a couple seconds.

Caroline clicks her tongue and he can suddenly hear somebody else in the room, Matt from what it sounds like, asking her who she was talking to.

"Answer the question." She bites out.

He rests his forehead in one hand and cradles the phone to his ear in the other. He thinks, only briefly, about hanging up. He hadn't been in California for very long but it had been one of the few places he had stopped for more than a few days in. He'd been sleeping out of his car parked against the side of the road for the most part. But something tells him, just _knows _that she'd find him again; Lexi always did

"Caroline…" He starts slowly, his voice weak in his throat; he hadn't used it in so long it's an effort to even open his mouth but as he's sitting there, the sun creeping through the cracks of the blinds he kept shut, he starts to think of the reasons why she would've called. And then he panics. Elena. Something must be wrong with Elena.

But then she's talking again, like she's read his mind, "She left, Stefan…to go looking for you."

This time, he does drop the phone. When he picks it up and brings it to his face, she's waiting for him, as though she expected the reaction she got.

"Stefan," She says softly with a control he can tell she's struggling to keep, "She went looking for _you_. Nobody has heard from her in 4 days, she isn't picking up her phone and she didn't tell anybody where she was going."

It takes him a bit to work his throat around the name but he clutches his eyes shut and grips to the phone tighter like that will somehow make saying it easier.

"D-Damon?" He manages. It doesn't.

Caroline sighs and it's now obvious, how exhausted both physically and emotionally she was, "He's worried like everyone else. We're all worried, Stefan."

He opens his eyes; the sun now blooming full and pink, making the harsh maroon tone of the carpet look softer, "What can I…what can I do, there's nothing I can do."

"She went looking for you!" She yells, "You can wait for her to come, that's what you can do."

She hangs up the phone and he can hear the dial tone, playing like a loop through his ears even after he's put it back down onto it's shell.

He spends days lying on his bed, waiting for her. Expecting the knock on his door. They had never talked about travelling, had never really talked about where they had been so he knows the unlikelihood of her finding him but still, he waits. Just waits, for her.

* * *

Two weeks go by until he hears from Caroline again.

"She's in Arizona, Damon tracked her down."

The front door catches on the back of his foot, his heart suddenly stuffed in his throat, "She's close."

"I know."

"Is she…" Breathing, warm, does she have enough money. _Is she okay._

"Call us when she gets there." She whispers and hangs up.

He slips his cell back into his back pocket and walks out onto the balcony that wrapped itself around the top level of the motel, hating the way he was longing to not only hear her voice again but also his brother's.

* * *

He has a dream one night that she turns up when he's not there and he's waking up, panting, sweat all over just as she's turning to leave.

A whole week goes by until he leaves his room to hunt again but it gets so bad he's drinking the beer, any amount of water he can get his hands out just to smother the way his limbs were burning, his veins like metal against his skin.

It's late, Sunday night when he staggers out through the door and down the stairs; he's too hungry to worry about anybody seeing him but he makes it to the woods only half a mile down the road and hunts quick.

He almost trips over the last step leading up to his floor when he gets back, all the air in his body leaving him.

She's there, tucked into a ball on the matt beneath the door.

She's wearing a shirt he doesn't recognize and her hair looked like it hadn't been washed for days but she was beautiful.

More beautiful.

He's clinging to the railings and breathing far too heavily before he can stop and calm himself down when she's waking from the noise and lifting her head up to see where it was coming from. She goes still when her eyes lock onto him and minutes go by, the two of them just staring at one another.

She eventually picks herself up, needing to lean her hand against the door, he notices, for support.

"Everybody back home is worried about you."

Her eyes tighten for half a second before she's stepping back, fixing her shirt that's risen up. He can't stop looking at her and it's killing him.

He had waited and waited for days for her to come back to him but never did he once think about what he would do when she finally did.

But he figures that this conversation or broken reunion shouldn't happen with the two of them standing out in the dark so he walks towards his door, almost grateful for the way she shifts her arms back because he's definitely not ready to touch her.

He holds the door open and lets her in and she half staggers and half drags her feet along the carpet; she was wearing boots and a pair of denim shorts and if he hadn't known better, he'd say that she was pretty good at the whole bohemian, living on the road thing.

"Everybody back home is worried about you." He repeats, his voice raspy as he shuts the door, watching as she looked through the blinds.

She turns around with her eyes to the floor and he's glad she at least has the decency to look guilty. He wants to tell her how incredibly stupid her little backpacking adventure was but thinks he should at least wait a couple minutes before he starts reprimanding her.

"That's it? That's all you're going to say to me?" She says quietly, flicking her eyes up, his next breath gets stuck in his throat; he forgot how deep those eyes were.

"What am I…what am I supposed to say, Elena?" He says more steadily, finding his strength in her name.

She turns her head away and he steps further into the room.

"How did you get here?"

"Bus….I hitchhiked my way in once I got to California though."

He's too angry to speak for a moment and grips to the top bar of the desk chair, taking a couple slow deep breathes, "You know how dangerous hitchhiking is?"

"As dangerous as it is to get into a strangers car without a phone?"

His jaw locks and he shuts his eyes, "This isn't funny, Elena."

She shrugs, not taking her eyes off him. "I'm not joking."

"_Elena!"_ He shouts, turning around, she flinches but he doesn't see it with his back to her. He takes a moment to settle down.

"You could've been hurt." He says quietly, turning back around.

"Too late." She whispers, locking her eyes on a painting across the room; it was of a desert, a sun bleeding it's way through colors of orange and yellow.

He sighs, not sure how much more of this he could take. "What are you doing here?"

She looks a little hurt but hides it quickly and shrugs and he's getting a little sick of it, this whole nonchalant act, like her being here doesn't mean shit so he closes the gap between them and steps closer.

"Elena." He says and she's looking at him again, her eyes softer and it's lost already, that shell she had put up around herself the second she had stepped into his room.

"You know what I'm doing here."

Out of all the things he expected to hear, and he wasn't really expecting a lot, that response certainly wasn't one of them. He takes a step back and raises his eyebrows.

"No, I don't actually. Caroline called me four weeks ago, upset, telling me that you had run away, that everyone was wondering where you were and now you're suddenly here?"

She tips her head down and her hair falls a little, hiding her face. He hates how much it gets to him, seeing her upset, only after 5 minutes of being with her again.

"Stefan…" She starts, her voice quiet and she lifts her head, tears glazing over her eyes, "What do you want to hear? That I was stupid, that I made a mistake because I did and I was."

"I want the truth." He immediately retorts back, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What…what truth?" She manages, "I was never in love with him. I never wanted him. I wanted….I want you."

He's shaking his head and laughing bitterly because it's a hell of a lot easier right now than looking at her, crying.

"How many times did it take you to fuck him to figure that one out, Elena?" He spits, tipping his head back up and he watches as she tightens her face, grits her teeth.

"You're an asshole." She says angrily and turns away a little, roughly wiping at her cheeks.

"How many times?"

Elena crosses the room and slaps him across the face; he actually stumbles back a little and her chest heaves on the air she's trying to get out of her lungs, tears down her face.

She's in shock, her eyes wide because she just _hit_ him and he's just staring at her, a hand to his cheek.

"You wanna know how many times? Where we did it? If he made me come like you did?"

He's going to be sick, his throat is _aching_; he doesn't want to know any of it but she's tightens her eyes and gathers herself up a little higher, "I left because I wanted to find you, Stefan. I left because I still love you and I always will and it didn't take me fucking your brother to figure that out, I always knew it. I couldn't help the way I felt about Damon though and I wasn't going to do that to you, it wasn't fair and I'm not proud of leaving you for that reason, I hate myself for hurting you, hate myself for leaving you but I'm standing here because I left for you. I left for _you._"

"But Elena," He whispers, impossibly sad, "You left me, for him."

She shakes her head a little and opens her mouth to say something but her throat is too thick with tears and for a moment, they just stand there, crying.

"I love you." She breathes and he folds himself down to sit on the edge of the bed without looking at her, his elbows propped on his knees, hanging his head.

"More than anything, Elena. I wanted you. More than anything." He says quietly, with his head still to the floor and he can hear her sudden intake of breath as she stepped closer towards him.

"Wanted?" She repeats, her voice hitching, "Wanted? What are you saying, that it's gone?" She gets out as she looks away from him, "The way you loved me and felt about me, wanted me…that's gone?"

He can't lift his head but she's suddenly on her knees, wriggling her way between his legs and cupping his face, her fingers burning against his skin; he clutches his eyes shut but she's right there, her scent, her skin, her face pressed to his.

"Tell me you don't love me." She whispers.

He sucks in a breath and feels the way her thumb rolls across his cheek, holding his face like she's meant to, like it's the only thing she's ever wanted to hold in her life.

"Elena." He breaks out.

"Tell me and I'll leave, you'll never see me again. I promise but you have to look at me and say it."

He rubs his nose against her palm, the tears from his cheeks melting into her skin.

"You broke my heart." He whispers.

"I know."

"Looking at you hurts, being in this room with you, hurts." He says, moving his head back a little, opening his eyes to meet hers.

"Tell me, and I'll leave." She says softly, still holding his face, her heart breaking against her chest.

There was no question for him, there never was but he knows, flicking his eyes between hers, wet with tears, that it's forever now, that there was no going back, _ever._

But really, with her, it's always been about the forever.

"I'll never love anyone the way I love you."

She's already kissing him before he can finish and he clutches her face, reaching his hands around her hips and pulling her against him; her legs go around his waist, her arms around his shoulders leaving no gaps, no space between them.

"Tell me." He breathes as she gasps out, his tongue along her collarbone.

"I love you." She whispers and he's rising off the bed, cupping her ass, her legs tightening around his waist, "I love you so much."

Her back hits the bathroom door and he's pushing against her, groaning into her mouth when she's licking the shell of his ear.

"I was going…insane, without you…I couldn't…" He pants and she nods, her thumb at his earlobe.

"I know, me too."

He's able to turn the handle of the door while keeping a secure hold on her and they stumble a little once the door is open, almost hitting the countertop. They're still kissing when he sits her down, only breaking away to help her lift off her shirt and get rid of his jacket.

"I missed you so much." She breathes, titling her head back until it rests against the mirror and his fingers are sliding against her stomach, cupping the material of her bra. Her eyes roll to the back of her head, with her heels digging into the dip of his back, when he's licking the skin between her breasts, reaching around to unhook it.

He trails his tongue up along her neck, over the curve of her chin to her lips, panting against them a little, staring at her with their foreheads together.

"I'm never leaving you, ever, ever again. You're stuck with me for the rest of your life."

"Baby," He moans when her shorts along with her underwear have hit the floor and her fingers are undoing his belt, "It's only a life when you're right there with me."

He picks her up, kicks his way out of his pants and steps them over the lip of the bathtub, reaching for the faucets. The spray is immediately cold and he fixes it a little, kissing her cheeks and then her nose, until warm water was shooting at them.

"Make love to me." She says softly, rolling her hips, the best she can so tight against him and he lets his forehead meet hers, whispering her name under his breath as the water sprayed down upon them.

He shifts a little, adjusts her and she reaches down between them, sliding him inside her as they watched together. He groans immediately and her head is falling back as she bites her tongue; it takes a bit for either of them to start to move, it was already too much, too soon.

It's slow though, each thrust, each time he pulls out and pushes back in, their moans into skin muffled over the sound of the water as they both come apart.

She kneads her heel into his back and pushes a little deeper, crying out when he hits that _spot, _coming seconds before him, warmth spreading between her thighs. His head drops to her shoulder, sucking at her skin, groaning out her name.

"Forever." She whispers into his cheek breathlessly.

And he lifts his head, holding her tightly, wondering how their skins, so perfectly seeped together could ever be pulled apart.

"_Again_." He whispers but she's already rolling her hips.

It's early Monday morning when they eventually leave the shower.

"How did you find me though?" He asks when they're under the sheets, tangled together and she slides her toes under his heel, smiling into his arm she was resting her head on.

"I don't really know. It sounds weird but it just….it's like I was moving while having no idea where I was going but feeling like it was right, like I was always moving in the right direction." She flicks her eyes up at him and he's smiling, wriggling a little closer.

"I don't think that sounds weird." He says and kisses her forehead, her eyes fluttering closed. He thinks it sounds pretty perfect.

* * *

A/N: Gah, finally. It'd been awhile.


End file.
